Archive for July, 2014

Why Women Lies

The title is a question for me and perhaps for many men in this world. I don’t know if many women will ask similar questions about men, but I believe men are more easily to be understood and perhaps vulgarly honest in some condition (well, unless it’s unpleasant to be honest like… cheating?).

Let me tell a short story about a man and his relationship, and you will understand what I’m going to talk about, but perhaps going to be confused more with women :D

There was a boy, who has just broken the relationship with his girlfriend. This man never have confidence to make his girlfriend feels happy, but the girl always encourages him that she was happy with this boy. One day, a problem happened and quarrel was inevitable, and with just one sentence: “I wonder if I will always suffered when I live with you”, the boy lost his thought and always thinking that sentence again and again. Although he tried to forget about that sentence, but he couldn’t. Until one day he decided to end the relation with this girl.

After several months of being single, he met a girl who was in the same workplace with him. They communicated casually as friends and work partner, and for this boy, she looked nice and pretty. Interest was grown in the heart of this boy, but the girl never spoken the fact that she had a boyfriend. It was when the boy knew about that, he stopped his attempts to know more and had interest on her, and finally he could accepted her as a friend instead.

Later, this boy met another girl who was the friend of the first girl. Actually, she was also went to the same workplace as him. Initially, the boy doesn’t have any interest with her, simply because of the gossip that she had a boyfriend. However after several communication and messaging with her, she revealed that she had just broken up with his boyfriend because her boyfriend cheated on her. With this experience of broken heart, she began to ask the boy many questions about men, and many were answered as he could.

The communication continued and everything went nice, at least from the boy’s perspective. Two months later, the boy revealed that he might be interested in her despite he didn’t sure she might be good enough for him to continue to the next level of relationship, but she answered that she didn’t have any interest in him. Although he disappointed with the answer, he accepted that fate and tried to fix the awkwardness he might cause that day. The feeling was not something that can be easily removed, and after several months, he still had that feeling to her.

The most annoying part of the friendship with this girl was that she always told that she doesn’t want to have boyfriend or any relationship, perhaps for the entire of her life, because men and boys are jerks. One time even a simple conversation ended up because she happen to tell him that she suddenly hate boys that time. Simply because she could not accept her fate in the past that she was cheated by an asshole, so that she decided to label every men as assholes. The boy had many arguments with her about relationship, and one time he even said something mean to her that she was a liar, just because he saw her many times went with other boys and happy with them. Perhaps it was driven by jealousy. Still, it was something that should not be said by a man who doesn’t have any special relation with the woman.

In the end, he realized that everything the girl told was her own responsibility, not other’s. If it was her who lied to other people, why should he care? She is the one who will shoulder the lies she told for all of her entire life. It would be easy if he can just move on and pretend don’t care, but he can’t.

Actually, the boy just want to show his care to her, but everything he done was wrong, and sometimes even malicious to her. He couldn’t control the emotion, and couldn’t control what to tell and what not to tell to her. Everything he writes since that day is just seems wrong. Regretful feeling is not something that can fix anything that happened in the past. He can only hope if there is second chance to fix what he done in the past.

End of story.

 

It was a short story about me that happened several months ago. I’m not sure if I have done something terrible and repent for what I’ve done. Perhaps I’m just overthinking about what women / girls done to me, and also what I’ve done to them. In the end, for every experience I had with those women, I got to learn something about them and women in general. The third experience might be the most important one.

On the first experience, I free myself of being tortured with her sentence and perhaps her lies of being happy with me, and she was freed from me who may cause her to suffer in the future. The memory of being together often popped up in a random occasion which always cause me to get “feeling attack”. After all, 5 years in relationship was not a short period.

On the second experience, I still don’t understand why she didn’t told me that she already had a boyfriend and happy with him. Why wouldn’t she just be honest about his condition. Is it because she is clueless about what I have done to her? The worst of all is that I don’t understand when she said that she would marry with another rich man instead. Not sure if it was just a joke or a serious statement. Still, the relationship for me isn’t something that could be easily used as a joke. It will simply determine your future. One wrong sentence may ruins your entire relationship like the first experience I have, but it depends on the people of course. It can be easily ruined if the man is kind of sensitive like me, but will be all right when he is an easy-going person. For such a young woman like her, perhaps relationship still just a joke, so let’s move on to the next.

On the third experience, I don’t understand why woman should state that she would be rather be — I apologize with this phrase in advance — an old lonely virgin woman, instead of try to accept her past and move on with the future. I will understand if she had ambition on being successful woman in career, but still that statement (want to be lonely without spouse or relationship for an entire life) may hurts herself. Couldn’t she just behave like a normal person when I try to communicate with her? Well, this is the first time I’m being harsh with a girl, perhaps it affects her decision to ignore me and stay away from me.

The third experience also open my eyes that you should never tell that you’re interested in a girl until you really want her to be your girlfriend, unless you’re a very handsome, rich or popular man. Also, although she doesn’t give me a pleasant experience, at least I got to know about myself more than the previous 5 years relationship I have. She might be lied about one thing, but I’m glad to know her since she is honest about her feeling towards me, and also she told me my flaws that I think I need to improve: too emotional, too pushy, too clingy when it’s about woman and relationship, too sensitive, and too noisy. Really grateful to know her, despite all the happiness from the past will not be able to repeated again.

Finally, I don’t intend to insult any women out there with this post. I believe many women out there have different attitude. And all women who I wrote here also have many good qualities that I known and also unknown to me. In the end, some girls will be incompatible with me from the beginning to the end, some will be perfect match initially and incompatible in the end, and some might be sucks initially but in the end everything will be better. I will not giving up my hope to have a nice and healthy relationship. I’m sure that in the right time and right place, I will find a good and nice woman that can be honest to me and accept me for the flaws I have, and I will also try to accept her honesty although sometimes honesty can be painful. Not to said that I may not just let her to simply accept me, with true love I believe I can also change myself to be a better person, man (not a boy anymore) and in the end, husband. Oh, and I think I don’t have any deadline when it’s all about marriage, I’m a free person in this matter. ^_^

PS: Oh, also I feel pity to people who said, “hey, remember your age” or something like, “you’re not a kid who should write about love anymore”, just because I write about relationship and love, please just ignore me because since now I will ignore your message. I am living the colorful life, with sorrow and happiness, and I’m not going to let myself down because of several people who judge me only by what they see for the first or second time without going deeper with me. :)

Oh, I just remember a phrase that I got from the third girl: “Woman may forgive, but never forget”. Same here, really, my memory is quite perfect for this kind of event and sometimes even haunted me if I made something regretful. However I’m curious about the second girl who easily forget something that I’ve said just several days ago. LOL. Doesn’t matter though, she might’ve been blessed with easily manipulated mind perhaps.

This entry was last modified on: August 11th, 2014 at 10:13

The Many Interests Man

Lately I’m really interested in many things and activities simply because I feel bored with my life for the last 6 months. Well, previously, when I have relationship with a girl, most of my time was spent with her, the remaining time will be spent in front of computer (or laptop), whether it was just for gaming, or browsed the internet. I don’t want to spend my time too much in something that might be unproductive simply because I’m a single man now. Rather I would learn many new things, that might be useful for my life in the future.

TL;DR. Here are the list of my interests and some of the aspects that may be useful from my perspective:

Cooking

For some people, cooking is something that should be handled by woman, but I don’t like that way of thinking. Many professional chefs are men, and it means I can also do this, and perhaps proficient with this kind of activity. There are many things that you need to learn when you want to acquire this ability, such as cutting (vegetables or any ingredients), setting the ingredients, frying, boiling, tasting and perhaps washing :p Well, you need to keep your cooking and eating utensils clean, right?

Improvement aspects:

  • Patience, you need to wait ’till your dish cooked. If you are not have this virtue, just stop and let other people do the job before you make awful and inedible dish.
  • Accuracy, in cutting, tasting, time, measuring ingredients. Don’t let your dish too sour, too bland, or burnt.
  • Bravery, sometimes you have to feel pain from heat and knife cut, and it’s important if you have pyrophobia, or simply fear of fire or heat.
  • Knowledge, you’re not going to eat one kind of food for an entire month right? You have to make different dishes everyday, and you have to know where to buy the ingredients, how to cook, etc, unless your money doesn’t allow you to do that and you might end up eating instant noodles everyday.

Gardening

The other unusual activity that might be chosen by a guy since gardening for many people is something that should be done by woman. This activity is somewhat dirty activity because you have to interact with many dirty material. The first is the soil, and then there is fertilizer that may come from some nasty material that you should not think about, and perhaps you have to interact with some “animals” like earthworm and bugs. However, in the end, your effort may pay back after the tree is growing big and produce sweet fruits, and the flowers blooms and spread the sweet fragrance to their surrounding. What’s more relaxing than looking at the colorful flower field, when eating healthy fruits? :)

Improvement aspects:

  • Patience, hey, trees, flowers and plants don’t grow in mere hours! They take about days, months or even years to be mature enough so you can see the fruit of your effort. Water and weed them diligently every day.
  • Knowledge, if you want to grow plants, the easiest way is throw the unknown seeds and pray there will be no pests, no bad weathers, no droughts, no floods, no disasters and they can live by themselves, and you just enjoy the output exactly like what you hoped for. However it’s not as easy as that. Usually different plants have different way to treat. So your knowledge should be broad enough to know how to shower your plants with love… Ummm, not love, just water.
  • Resource and time management, growing plants is not as easy as it’s heard. You need enough water, you need good soils, you need time to take care of them, and then the time to enjoy them. Fail on one of these, you might need to redo all over again from seeds. Make sure you have enough resource and time for the plants you grow.

Masonry, Carpentry and Construction

When cooking is associated with woman, then this one might be the most manliest things that a man can do (unless you are crazy enough to do more than this). The activities that you can do here are cutting, measuring, drilling and nailing. Not just stone, concrete and wooden material, but sometimes you have to deal with metal. Handling this kind of job would need strength and stamina, but they’re absolutely kinda easy when you have learned at least the basic to do them. For example, the first time I did drilling was several weeks ago, and I successfully drilled the ceramic and concrete on the kitchen to place hooks for cooking utensils without any issues. What I did was just looked at my father did the jobs some months ago, remember and copy the technique, searched the information on internet, and voila, everything was done.

Improvement aspects:

  • Accuracy, you have to measure your material before drilling or cutting it properly, because everything you do cannot be undone. Well, perhaps can be undone, but why undone if you can do something perfectly from the beginning?
  • Bravery, not all places are at the same level with your height, sometimes you have to use ladder and feel what’s the pain of acrophobia. Also the cutting tools are sharp, and the electrical powered one will sure hurts you if you are not careful enough.
  • Planning, almost similar to accuracy, some activity cannot be undone and some material will be garbage if you do mistakes. So you have to plan something properly before doing all of this.
  • Strength, do this and you will get more muscle for sure. Hey, moving materials from one place to another place is not easy.
  • Coordination, the worst thing you can have in this kind of jobs is injured, and it’s very important to have someone close to you when that happens. Your partner can also assist you in doing your job. That’s why many high risk jobs, especially in height usually done in pair, rather just alone.

Music (Guitar)

Okay, just let your mind empty for now, and start thinking, what the world would looks like if there are no music? … Well, some of you might say that it will be to calm, other may say bland, because music is simply the spice of life (besides love). As far as I know, one of the most affordable and accessible music instrument is guitar. If you can’t afford to buy a guitar, ask your friend, and you might almost get someone that have guitar with them from the first person you ask, or know who has one. You don’t need to think “I will be a guitar professional and be a master like Sungha Jung (YouTube personality)”, it’s might be too far, unless you’re fully serious to learn and to practice for many years.

Improvement aspects:

  • Creativity, in fact, music doesn’t need to be “as if” when you play an instrument, and when you singing. You can improve it with other notes, rhythm, speed, and everything else. It’s limitless, so why don’t you just release everything on your mind? Well, unless your room is isolated enough from your neighbor or you’re good enough, you should try to limit your improvement with volume and notes. :p
  • Accuracy, yup, this aspect reappears in this one once again. Notes and rhythm should be in sync, although you may use some improvement there. But still, the first thing before you improve yourself is simply do something as good as possible, and in the music, just follow the original notes and rhythm. Another note, in guitar, you have to move your fingers fast enough on the fret board :)
  • Flexibility and strength, this one combined as one, simply because in guitar you have to push the string with enough power before you can generate nice sound, and at the same time your fingers must be flexible enough to reach “difficult positioning” in many occasions.

Writing

Like this one, of course. This is not something new for me, in fact I have written many posts here and there, but stopped since I graduated from my college. Actually, writing is not just limited to do blog, you can also create novels, or write some story. If you have enough imagination, you can also end up as a script writer, for movies or games. Perhaps you can also be a reporter for citizen journalism which is popular lately.

Improvement aspects:

  • Creativity, letters going to a word; words going to a sentence; sentences going to a paragraph; and in the end, paragraphs going to a story. With enough creativity, you can create many things with your words.
  • Communication, sometimes you write for other people, so you must know how to communicate with your readers. No one like messy, unstructured, uninteresting articles. Write your things, and proof-read your writing before publishing it. Sometimes you have to receive harsh comments from your reader, so prepare yourself and just reply with reasonable answer so you don’t look like a fool. Well, those are advices from me, based on my experiences in the past. :p
  • Linguistic, in writing, you communicate using a language. If you feel comfortable with your primary or native language, so write with it. However you might want to try using different or secondary language to reach more audiences, perhaps English, despite of you knowledge and experience in those language. The world doesn’t end when you write wrong grammars or spelling errors; it’s end you when you surrender, when you have the chance to be success and learn more things.

Electronics

As a (kinda) science geek, I love to experiment with many kind of electronics. It was a pity that I don’t get any tutorial in this field when I was in high school, though the junior in my school got it. Still, if you are interested in some activity nowadays, you can find many learning material on a world we known as internet. With electronics, there come times when you be electric shocked, no matter how careful you are in handling what you do. Actually, I’m also an electrophobia, which mean I feel the fear of electric shock even if I know it’s a low voltage. However after learning some facts about electricity, I can easily try to overcome that fear and be more brave about it.

There are several things you can do in this field, such as, soldering, build a circuit, learning physics, and in the end: programming. Nowadays you cannot do electronics without programming. Well, you can, but it wouldn’t be enough and enjoyable because the interactivity will be limited without any programmable code.

Improvement aspects:

  • Knowledge, oh right, you cannot do electronic carelessly of you might end up in blowing your circuit, components, or burn up your house. I’m serious here. Short circuit, especially in high voltage electricity is a real dangerous and might be lethal. You must have basic knowledge about electronics before you do this and that, and of course basic mathematics. And never play with high voltage electricity if you’re not a professional or electrician, which I mean always play with low voltage direct current (DC) tha’s below 12 Volt.
  • Planning, in electronics, one single mistake can cause mess in all your projects, for real. You don’t need to be over-accurate in electronics, for example when you measure the voltage or current, but you still need planning. Soldering is the part where you must plan before you messed up with your prototype board or the real printed circuit board. And if you have an electronic device that you don’t know any schematic of the circuit which you want to fix on, perhaps you may want to stop and let the professional handles it for you.
  • Careful, simply because playing with electricity might be lethal. Never play in high voltage if you’re not ready. And always check and recheck any component and devices (especially soldering iron and electrical cord) have been placed on the right position.

Gaming

This is the most wrong interest I do in my life, and I regret this very much. Just kidding. Gaming might be addictive, but still everyone who do this should be able to control him/herself. Many researches [citation needed] found that playing electronic games can improve your ability in visual, cognitive and motor functions.  Of course it’s under certain condition: play in limited time and play games that’s useful. Many people also claim (including myself) that playing games may improve the linguistic ability, since many games are launched in English, so they force the players to learn English. Some games also teach people about history, some science, strategy and many more. Even some games are designed to teach the players not to surrender easily, simply because the difficult is ridiculously hard, or even perhaps seem impossible to be passed.

Improvement aspects:

  • Reaction and accuracy, many games force the players to react in both fast motion and high accuracy. First person shooter (FPS), strategy and rhythm games usually emphasize this aspects. Whether you shoot first, or your enemy will shoot your first in FPS. In strategy games, you have to plan some actions simultaneously and determine when to attack and when to defense. In rhythm game, you have to press the button in certain beat step, and at the same time tap your mouse or keyboard key in fast manner to get the perfect point.
  • Cooperation and interaction, lately many games are released as multiplayer games, i.e. you can play the game with your friends or even unknown people all around the world using internet connection. By playing together, the players have to coordinate each other and cooperate to win the game. Type of games that emphasize this aspects are MOBA like DotA 2 and League of Legends. Other type that might need interaction is MMORPG (search the abbreviation yourself), in which you might trade or do jobs together with people to accomplish your mission.
  • Multitasking and management, which usually happens in strategy game. You must move an army, then build your base, and then check your inventory, and keep harvesting resource around you, and at the same time build your defense. One wrong move and decision may cause chain effect that end up on losing the game, and you might be the target of anger from your partners.

Programming

The worst of the worst, the last of the last. As a programmer, of course this is what I do, and what I interested into. So why not place this in the top of the list? The answer is: “Why should I?”. Not much to talk about, let’s just move to the improvement aspects.

Improvement aspects:

  • Logical Thinking, programming without logic is simply magic. If you don’t like to use your brain and thinking all the time, stop being a programmer. That’s all.
  • Designing, programming without making a design (system design or UI design) is messy sketch, and you torture and kill your brethren that will read your code and continue your work by doing this. That’s all.
  • Tenacity, sometime when you compile your program for the first time, it’s error. Recompile the second time, it’s run perfectly. Recompile it for the third time, everything stops again. Unless you believe in black magic that can solve this problems, what you need is simply determination to find and solve the issues.

Conclusion

For today, that’s what I can write about the activity I interested in lately. You may want to try many things, especially if you are still young, and your future is still uncertain. On the worst case scenario, even when you are in hard time, you can do something rather than just being idle, and perhaps your interest might save your life more than what you expect. In the end, what you need to do the interests is determination and commitment. Without these two words, your interests will just fade away in several months before even you make anything useful from those interests. :) Hopefully I can also keep all my new interests burned up.

Hope you get about what I’m thinking and can start doing something that might interested for you. If in the future I have other interests, I will share them here, of course with my own comment and perspective. :) Cao…

Long Lost Memories

If this blog is a person, I think many people will be very surprised, and perhaps screaming when looking at this blog is revived again. And when I said again, it’s because I have revived this blog so many times that even me myself don’t remember anymore how many times I’ve revived this. Hopefully this one will be the last time I will be revived, at least I will try to populate this blog with some articles, unimportant ones more regularly, well, perhaps about my life, because lately I’m not in the mood to post something to technical or something computer related. I would rather write about my opinion about this world, about what’s on my mind, and about what’s going on around me. Perhaps you can say this is my diary… the public one.

Anyway, let’s move on to the main topic: The Memory.

This word — memory — might be a powerful word, whether for the bad or for the good. Every human poses the ability to record the event he/she encountered into their brain, and that event might bring happiness, or just sorrow. Some events can even trigger the fear, anger, hate, nostalgic feeling, etc. Well, in fact I just wrote many negative words in the previous sentence, because yes, it’s what happened to me. When I try to remember about the past, I might feel really desperate. It seems that I really happy in the past, but now I cannot reach the same happiness.

I had many friends where I could tell my story to, share my problem, always support me, and now they have their own business and almost never have any communication with me. Though I also meet many new friends, but some of them has been gone. Lately many of them is really like wind that just blew past your face, and go to somewhere that I don’t even know. Perhaps that’s what I call as temporary friendship or partnership.

Usually I just think, what I have done to deserve this. Will I just be lonely and never have a real friend? Then I realize that what I think is wrong, just plainly wrong. How can you get a real friend if you just stand there motionless just hoping that your “friends” will notice you.

Well, perhaps the way I thought was affected by many materials that I listened to. Too many literature or online articles (or perhaps just stories) that say real friends will notice you when you’re desperate and accompany you. However this is not true. Although there are some people who may do this, many will not. It’s not because they’re assholes or don’t care about you, but because they don’t know what happened to you unless you tell them what’s your problems. Friends are not telepathic creatures that may notice if you want to be accompanied or talked with. Sometimes they need sign, perhaps not a noticeable sign, but just slightly noticeable might be enough.

The issue is that even if I realize this problem and also the solution, I always fall into the same hole again and again. I try to learn and to improve myself in this area, but still the progression somehow is too slow, even sometimes I feel that it’s just walk in the same place, or backward. I always fall desperate when I feel lonely, and too many times I put “mask” on my face just so that I don’t looked like that lonely.

Ah, well, memories. Maybe I just need to move on. I might try it again and again, in hope there will be good results in the future. Maybe I just need to distract myself so those memories will not reappear again. Still after so many tries, sometimes that memory is popped up again, without any specific trigger. LOL. Perhaps I will live with those memories as long as I’m alive.

The memories are not just about friends, but many of them also about love, a word that cause many distraction in my daily life; and for me lately, it’s merely a word that only used by high-schooler or teenagers. Still, strange enough that I keep thinking about this word, just because I have broken up with my *cough* girlfriend, and now I’m single. I tried not to think about this, but when I met girls (or perhaps I should just call them women), this word will dominate my mind after just about 1-2 months of introduction and communications. I’m not really sure whether it’s love, perhaps just the need to run away from this loneliness. It’s been 5 years (and 2 months) I had a relationship before it was shattered, and even as for now when I wrote this post, it’s hard to forget the need of someone that I can depend on, who I can share my problem with, and finally support and comfort me.

I didn’t meet many women even after 6 months of being single. Perhaps just 2 or 3 of them, well, I’m sure only 3 of them. One of them is someone who I really attached to, a girl who I thought is perfect and nice. Actually, I’m still not sure if she’s the best of all women I will meet for the entire of my life. I always feels bad when I have to have arguments with her, but still I have many arguments with her. So many times I had tried to avoid quarrel, but so many times I kept doing it again and again, and so many time I had to apologize. The last time I really angry and disappoint with her, and I said something so bad (at least for me) that I can’t even forget, and still I don’t say apologize until now. That memories haunted me almost every night, but I tried to forget it. I just want to forget that guilty feeling. And as always, I failed.

I don’t know if there is something that I can do to fix that bad memories and patch up all the problems I’ve caused. Perhaps not everything should be fixed? Maybe I just need to stop caring about other people? I have lost many things lately, precious things from the past, friends especially. Many things those are can only be kept in the memory, but will never happened again in the future. Am I just a guy who live in the past? I don’t know. Perhaps I am. But even if I live in the past, I realize there is still future for me.

What I can do is to let the past be experiences for me. A painful experiences from my memories, that will keep reappear in my dream, on the lonely night.

PS: By the way, I’m so sorry if this post is really melancholy, despite of this is the first time I write in this blog again. I just write what’s on my mind. Perhaps this looked like gibberish, but everything I wrote above is what I have in my mind right now. And sorry for the bad grammar. It’s midnight now, so I can’t check what I’ve wrote right now. Enjoy! (As if you can enjoy a really bad post like this ~_~)