If this blog is a person, I think many people will be very surprised, and perhaps screaming when looking at this blog is revived again. And when I said again, it’s because I have revived this blog so many times that even me myself don’t remember anymore how many times I’ve revived this. Hopefully this one will be the last time I will be revived, at least I will try to populate this blog with some articles, unimportant ones more regularly, well, perhaps about my life, because lately I’m not in the mood to post something to technical or something computer related. I would rather write about my opinion about this world, about what’s on my mind, and about what’s going on around me. Perhaps you can say this is my diary… the public one.
Anyway, let’s move on to the main topic: The Memory.
This word — memory — might be a powerful word, whether for the bad or for the good. Every human poses the ability to record the event he/she encountered into their brain, and that event might bring happiness, or just sorrow. Some events can even trigger the fear, anger, hate, nostalgic feeling, etc. Well, in fact I just wrote many negative words in the previous sentence, because yes, it’s what happened to me. When I try to remember about the past, I might feel really desperate. It seems that I really happy in the past, but now I cannot reach the same happiness.
I had many friends where I could tell my story to, share my problem, always support me, and now they have their own business and almost never have any communication with me. Though I also meet many new friends, but some of them has been gone. Lately many of them is really like wind that just blew past your face, and go to somewhere that I don’t even know. Perhaps that’s what I call as temporary friendship or partnership.
Usually I just think, what I have done to deserve this. Will I just be lonely and never have a real friend? Then I realize that what I think is wrong, just plainly wrong. How can you get a real friend if you just stand there motionless just hoping that your “friends” will notice you.
Well, perhaps the way I thought was affected by many materials that I listened to. Too many literature or online articles (or perhaps just stories) that say real friends will notice you when you’re desperate and accompany you. However this is not true. Although there are some people who may do this, many will not. It’s not because they’re assholes or don’t care about you, but because they don’t know what happened to you unless you tell them what’s your problems. Friends are not telepathic creatures that may notice if you want to be accompanied or talked with. Sometimes they need sign, perhaps not a noticeable sign, but just slightly noticeable might be enough.
The issue is that even if I realize this problem and also the solution, I always fall into the same hole again and again. I try to learn and to improve myself in this area, but still the progression somehow is too slow, even sometimes I feel that it’s just walk in the same place, or backward. I always fall desperate when I feel lonely, and too many times I put “mask” on my face just so that I don’t looked like that lonely.
Ah, well, memories. Maybe I just need to move on. I might try it again and again, in hope there will be good results in the future. Maybe I just need to distract myself so those memories will not reappear again. Still after so many tries, sometimes that memory is popped up again, without any specific trigger. LOL. Perhaps I will live with those memories as long as I’m alive.
The memories are not just about friends, but many of them also about love, a word that cause many distraction in my daily life; and for me lately, it’s merely a word that only used by high-schooler or teenagers. Still, strange enough that I keep thinking about this word, just because I have broken up with my *cough* girlfriend, and now I’m single. I tried not to think about this, but when I met girls (or perhaps I should just call them women), this word will dominate my mind after just about 1-2 months of introduction and communications. I’m not really sure whether it’s love, perhaps just the need to run away from this loneliness. It’s been 5 years (and 2 months) I had a relationship before it was shattered, and even as for now when I wrote this post, it’s hard to forget the need of someone that I can depend on, who I can share my problem with, and finally support and comfort me.
I didn’t meet many women even after 6 months of being single. Perhaps just 2 or 3 of them, well, I’m sure only 3 of them. One of them is someone who I really attached to, a girl who I thought is perfect and nice. Actually, I’m still not sure if she’s the best of all women I will meet for the entire of my life. I always feels bad when I have to have arguments with her, but still I have many arguments with her. So many times I had tried to avoid quarrel, but so many times I kept doing it again and again, and so many time I had to apologize. The last time I really angry and disappoint with her, and I said something so bad (at least for me) that I can’t even forget, and still I don’t say apologize until now. That memories haunted me almost every night, but I tried to forget it. I just want to forget that guilty feeling. And as always, I failed.
I don’t know if there is something that I can do to fix that bad memories and patch up all the problems I’ve caused. Perhaps not everything should be fixed? Maybe I just need to stop caring about other people? I have lost many things lately, precious things from the past, friends especially. Many things those are can only be kept in the memory, but will never happened again in the future. Am I just a guy who live in the past? I don’t know. Perhaps I am. But even if I live in the past, I realize there is still future for me.
What I can do is to let the past be experiences for me. A painful experiences from my memories, that will keep reappear in my dream, on the lonely night.
PS: By the way, I’m so sorry if this post is really melancholy, despite of this is the first time I write in this blog again. I just write what’s on my mind. Perhaps this looked like gibberish, but everything I wrote above is what I have in my mind right now. And sorry for the bad grammar. It’s midnight now, so I can’t check what I’ve wrote right now. Enjoy! (As if you can enjoy a really bad post like this ~_~)