What I Learned as a First Time Project Leader

Being a one man team, or just small teams who never exceed 5 people make me an awkward person when I am assigned to lead people in application development. Since last year (December 2013), I have been assigned to lead a team which consists of 12 people, and honestly it’s so difficult and emotionally burdening. However since this is the first time I ever lead a team with this number of people, I have learned many things, some by hard way, some by soft way.

I’m not a management person, and I usually get the position as technical or field operator. The past forges me to be a person who have qualification in technical and analytic, but have flaws in social and management. I know these aspects can be improved by the experience, however as I told you, this is the first time I lead the big enough team. Just for information, the team consists of me as senior programmer, 6 junior programmers, 3 system analysts, 1 database designer, and 1 system documentation.

The summary of the story is that one by one of this team left the team, especially since many of them (9 of them) are fresh graduates, and as usual, this kind of project take times to be finished, when at the same time they have to choose to stay in this project or continue with their own professional job. For some of them, it’s as easy as flipping the hand, so some of them leave to get what they think as better jobs, some of them just going back to their hometown, one of them focused in his parent business, and some of them leave without any valid reasons. In the end, currently there are 5 people, and one of them is still don’t decide what to do.

Here are the list of the mistakes I made and what should be done:

1. No Commitment Contract

This is the first noticeable things. Without contract, the team members may just leave or slacking of what they should do. Actually, even with signed contract they can still do that, but usually they will think twice since it has more power than non-contract system. From the experience, even a contract will not stop the worker to flee from their job.

2. No Good Communication

Communication is very important in team. A good communication determines if your team will go in the right direction or rather in wrong direction. I’ve done the mistakes when I communicate with my superior and in the end had argument with him. Also I hardly report the progress to my superior so he don’t know if there are any issues in the development. If you are the leader, you should communicate well with your teams and also with superiors.

3. Emotionally Attached to the Team

Actually, it’s okay to be attached to your team, it’s naturally will happen when you work with the same people in some period of time. However this usually leads to emotional problems where you will think them more as friends rather than professional partners. You may think that giving an order to the teammates is the same as telling your friends to do something, and you may develop uncomfortable thought about this. Keep your professional life separated with your personal life. Personal issues which are brought to professionalism is really devastating.

4. You Don’t Select Your Teams

A team leader should choose who will be in the teams and who will be outside of the team. In my case, I must accept any people who are assigned to me without knowing if they are into this kind of jobs. From my experience, the person who tested before joining the team will yield a better result than the person who I don’t test. If you really can, make sure you are the one who select the team members.

5. Have Personal Romantic Relationship

Sometimes in multi-gender team, you cannot avoid of being too close with your team member and in the end might want to have romantic relationship with your teammate. Unless you’re sure this will be fine and your relationship is always in good mood (of course, this is virtually impossible), you may do this. Avoid romantic relationship as far as possible, or at least, postpone the urge to have romantic relationship until you have finished at least about 90% of the project.

6. Unstable Team

A team should stay as long as possible until the project is finished and perhaps have more time for the maintenance. However in my case, since the majority of the team members are fresh graduates, it ended up as failure when they have to choose stable job instead of this part-time job. Always look for team member who have more time and commitment.

7. Don’t Make Sure Your Position

I have dilemma when doing this project. When I first met my team, I am introduced as senior programmer and also assigned to lead the team when we are in the field, and the project manager is held by my superior. In the end, the superior never shows up and I have to handle all the field project leading, and I don’t know what the real project manager do. The worst of all, the team who left only reporting to me, not the real project manager.

8. Too Talkative

Usually when there is problem, I write to all my team members about the issues. In the end, the awkwardness happened. If there are issues with one of your team member, try to talk to them personally. And when there is an achievement that they done, praise them publicly. It’s what I learned from internet, but yet I don’t implement it in this team.

9. Experiment on the Team

The moment I was trusted a team, the first thing popped up in my mind was what is the best management style I should do with them. And from that evil thought, I started to try several management style, began with free one, to the strict one, and happened every 2 weeks. This is the wrong decision. Even when I successfully found a good and suitable management style for them, it doesn’t mean it also suitable to other people. Just try to be yourself, don’t change your management style over time, let your team members adapt to you when at the same time you try to adapt to them.

10. Expect Too Much in Loyalty

Loyalty is really rare these days. People tend to find a new place to stay when they think and feel more comfortable than the previous one. The younger generations who have relied in technology will have this thought in mind and their way of thinking is far more dynamic than older generation. You cannot expect them to handle the main module in your project if you even can’t ensure that they will loyal or feel comfort with you and your team. In the end, the one you have to trust is yourself, in which you might have to do all the task in project by yourself. By all, I mean really all the tasks, in my case are coding, analyzing, designing, testing, data migrating, documenting, etc.

Conclusion

Whether you’re new to project management or leading professional teams, always look at your team members no matter what, simply because a team doesn’t exist without team members. Try to be a good example for your team. Well, even if you try the best in your team, always expect for the worst, and have secondary plan in your mind when sometimes the team is broken. At worst, be ready to handle all by yourself. :)

Is Love (and Life) Really a Game?

Yesterday, I talked with one of my friend about love and he shared his experience on his relationship. We talked about it about 1 hour and had many laughter since we had both funny moment in relationship and love problems. Also, he told me some advice on what to do and what don’t when you are in relationship or when you try to approach a girl, a.k.a PDKT or pendekatan.

The first thing I noticed was that he also had similar event with me, got to get acquainted to a girl, been a friend, started to grow feeling toward her, had chat so often, and at the climax: let the girl know that he had feeling for her. What happened to him next was that he was avoided and ignored by the girl to the point where she looked like someone who never got acquainted with him. Even one day, she asked him from message, whether my friend avoided her. Well, to be honest, it’s just weird and awkward when someone who ignored you asks the same thing to you. He told me that the event has been happened about 2 years ago and everything is fine now, he loses the interest to that girl, and the girl never contacts him anymore.

It’s kinda funny to hear about his story and I still don’t understand why does females tend to ignore males after the males confessed his feeling toward them. Is it default biological and psychological feature in females to repel any guys who honestly confessed to her? I have heard many similar story about men who happen to be avoided by women after they confessed his feeling. Some of them also happen to say that the guys are creepy.

Somehow I think I understand why women do that. When a girl who I don’t have romantic interest with confessed to me, I might be thinking something bad about her, and how creepy the girl is when she still try to tell me about how she loves me every time we communicate (or implying that she has feeling in me every time). However, in this kind of modern society, how many females will confessed first to the males, simply because it’s not their role to confessed first, no matter how many feminist that encourage them to do so. If I think carefully, if she really honest about her feeling, I might also give her a chance, especially since I’m not a popular, rich, or handsome guy.

Sigh… Okay, let’s proceed to the next issue.

My friend suggests that I just follow the “game” the girl do to me. Somehow, I don’t really like this word, mainly when used in this kind of situation. “The game”, implying that this is just for fun, and no seriousness in it. Honestly, the first time I fall to this girl, I also thought that I must play “a game” so she feel more interested in me. After several days, I think it’s just non-sense to do this thing, and also unethical, though “the game” itself doesn’t really means to make her a play thing or toy for me, it’s just simply ways to make her interest in me. I just want to show her my true feeling, how I care about her, how I emotionally attached to her, how I want her to be a better person and have better future, how I want her to cast aside her painful past in relationship and try to start a new one.

Perhaps this is the sin I have done that cause our relationship worsening now. For what I’ve done, perhaps I got what I deserve: avoidance and being ignored. And even it’s worsen after I feel really attached to her lately. I wondering now if this life is a game, it really sucks, and whoever the developer should be punched in his face. >_<

This is why recently I decided to stop getting to close to girls. I have the fear that I might cause “the game” happened again which may hurt me and the girl I like. Perhaps it’s better to be a single for awhile without thinking about girl. People said that the girl will come eventually, as long you don’t be too choosy. Yet, I still hope the same girl will give me a chance to show her the good side of me, without being ignored. It’s just too sudden that she ignored me, while everything is still nice the previous week when I had a good chat with her. It’s just… sad, really.

So guys, if you really like a girl, I have my own suggestions to you:

  1. If you really want to have a good relationship, never tell your feeling too early, let the feeling mutually developed and all will happen naturally. This is what happened when I was with my first and only ex.
  2. If you tell your feeling and she rejects it, keep showing your good side, never get too upset when she rejected for the first time, improve yourself, but still try to be yourself and keep communicate with her. Some people cannot accepts rejection and being *ssh*le for sure, and I have seen some of my friends that have this trait, cursing and hope something bad happens to the girl who rejects him.
  3. If the situation worsened, never force yourself towards her. Let her alone for some time, because it is uncomfortable to be disturbed now and then. Keep supporting her, don’t ignore her when she tries to contact you, keep everything casual, keep friendly. This is what I try to do right now, although I’m not sure this will fix the situation, but it worth to do.
  4. If the situation is unrecoverable, try to move on. Do you listen to what I said? U-N-R-E-C-O-V-E-R-A-B-L-E, or by simple word: you are nothing more for her, or if you’re something, than you’re not more than a cockroach that need to be crushed and the existence should be eliminated from this world. Though I believe this is virtually impossible unless the girl is super unfriendly or *ssh*le, or perhaps just introspect yourself, perhaps you’re the one who impossibly annoying or have far beyond humanity acceptable behaviors.

Oh, also one more thing that I’m still wondering: I honestly think that my friend deserves a girlfriend more than myself. He is nice, opened, humorous, funny, friendly, religious (but not fanatic), stylish, and more socially capable rather than me. There are also some of my friends who have great qualification as good boyfriends but instead are singles until now. But, well, the world isn’t really fair as what I said above, somehow it’s happened like a random game. People who deserve more get less, yet who deserve less get more. You have to play it nicely or you will lose in depression.

Sigh… I really hate this game!

Dive into Anime World

No Comments August 31st, 2014 The Life

Lately, I watched many anime series and movies, with many different genres. Well, it’s not something new for sure, but the number of anime I watched currently increased at somewhat high rate. Perhaps it’s at a rate that may disturb my daily activity if it keeps increasing, but I’m sure I still have control over it. Anyway, let’s talk about it a little.

For some people, anime doesn’t suit their taste, since the drawing is weird, usually with big eyed characters, small and overly cute face, overly slender body or curvy with nice pair of breasts, high tone or annoying way of speaking, and some weird behavior or even weird story. Those were what I thought several years ago before I used to all characters. Some of my friends also has the rejection over anime with the similar reasons, so I think what I wrote almost surely applied to general people who oppose to watch anime regularly.

My anime hobby (or perhaps addiction, though I believe I’m not in a level of addiction) usually triggered when I read some online articles about the anime itself or simply when I know about it from a certain source, which recently is Osu!, a rhythm game which mainly use anime songs for the content, and show many arts and animations in the background as we are playing the song.

I must admit that several animes that I saw were far more than my initial expectations. Umm, usually I had negative expectations from animes, which may simply because the story might be easily guested, or the character is lame and perhaps just too much fan services, i.e. scenes that provide the audiences some “happy” content, like breast jiggling or panty shots. Lately many anime doesn’t use much light story or fan services anymore, instead the writers are creative enough to create story twist which may expand your regular thought. However, they still have light fan services though, but enough for fun and not causing hindrance in characters or stories.

Some of the animes brought the popular culture on their story, such as Sword Art Online (SAO), which the season one just I finished watch recently. The story is about the MMORPG which operated with virtual reality devices, with some story twist, realistic MMO experience (if you are an MMO player, you might have know almost every rule there), and lovely beautiful romance. Initially SAO doesn’t actually attract me to watch even I have heard or read the articles about it, but my curiosity is strong enough to make me watch this anime, and it’s not disappointing for sure. Well, I also should admit it since someone tell me a clue that the story might be interesting several days ago, and at the same time, my housemate have that anime in his possession.

Another anime that have nice story which you may not expected if you have not watch it is Puella Magi Madoka Magica, which tells about several magical girls with the problems that they should solve. The story of this one is so dark that you may think and think and think when you have finished the anime series, and perhaps you may want to watch the movie which is the continuity of anime series. From what I experienced after watched this anime, I will not have the same view again on the magical girls genre. Usually, the magical girls genre is so weird for me since the target should be female audiences or children, but this one is far from that target, although the art and characters are somewhat represent the childish. Anyway, watch it and you may understand what I mean, since I don’t want to spoil anything here. It will destroy your general views on magical girls genre which have been known to be happy ending, like Sailor Moon or Wedding Peach (old school anime series which I watched when I was in elementary school).

Well, there are many more anime that I have watched, but still limited enough so I can list them here, of course the recommended only:

  • Sword Art Online (I have described it above, generally fun and have good and deep romance, based on light novel)
  • Puella Magi Madoka Magika (also described above, really sad and dark, not suitable for children or easily depressed person)
  • Hataraku Maou-sama (about a demon king which transferred to human world and works at a restaurant chain, really funny, based on light novel)
  • No Game No Life (about a world where every conflict should be resolved with games, funny and has heavy plot, based on light novel)
  • A Certain Magical Index / Toaru Majutsu no Index (a story about magic and technology / science, the dark world behind it and struggle of the people who has the power, based on light novel)
  • A Certain Scientific Railgun / Toaru Kagaku no Railgun (a side story of Index above, which mainly focused in the scientific side, have funny plot and some sweet romance, based on the same light novel)
  • Tokyo Ghoul (about a humanoid species which resemble vampires that roams the city of Tokyo, dark and bloody, though many parts are censored since they’re far too gory)
  • Full Metal Alchemist (if you follow the manga, this simply a spin off and doesn’t follow the manga story)
  • Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood (this one is following the manga story, so if you want to see the anime version of the manga, this one is for you)
  • Kill la Kill (about the struggle of a girl who want to avenge the father dead, the story and arts are weird, uncommon and unrealistic, but still fun enough to be followed)

If you read the summary above, many of them are based on light novel. A light novel itself is Japanese style novel which published regularly. I have researched about it a little and found that many of the novels have been adapted to animes. That’s why I would really like to read the novel itself since many of the animes now only covered early chapters, mainly less than 10 chapters when the novels have published in about 10 or 20 chapters.

That’s what I can tell about anime. If you have recommendation about what animes I should watch, please inform me. I love animes that have nice and uncommon story like what I listed above. And if you a newbie in anime, or just want to try to change your view in anime, you might want to try the animes above. ;)

Cheers.

Nightmare Diary #1

Lately I have several weird dreams, well, some people might called it as nightmares. I don’t really understand the pattern of this kind of dreams, but I’m sure it appears about every 3 or 4 days. Usually it is about failed relationship, or simply a massive accident or disaster that happens to a group of people.  I’m not sure if the nightmares were triggered by a certain event or what, since the pattern is kind of regular, which of course I can use to manage.

The latest nightmare (tonight) is about a group of high school children who have tour with a big bus on the beach. I don’t understand why but the bus itself driven into the shore area which have some extensively tilted position. For that kind of bus, the body cannot stay still when it was in that kind of position, however the driver kept driving at the same dangerous approaches again and again. Then the horror event occurred, the bus couldn’t hold itself on tilted sand and finally tumbled into the sand. To make it even worse, the sand was quicksand and the sea water was rising, that meant the bus’ body drowned fast into the ground.

I myself who didn’t go with that bus, but a bystander that witnessed that event, ran into that bus and tried to dig the sand with my bare hand. I didn’t see any other people around there initially, but several minutes into digging (well, not sure  if it’s minutes or just seconds), which the sand ridiculously transformed into paving blocks, I found several nostalgic items from the past. Many of them are things from my high school memories, such as the leaflets from high school events, namecards of some different people, high school bags, etc. The people gathered around that place, which consists of some my high school friends which I recognized, looked into the found items, laughed and had chat. I kept digging the paving blocks, several layers of them, thrown away them one by one but the bus still didn’t appear until I fell into despair and stopped.

That was when I woke up, opened my eyes and couldn’t sleep anymore and decided to write this post instead. Well, though I also set an alarm to wake me up early this morning to do some of my works an hour later, that was why I didn’t want to go sleep again.

The nightmare for this night in fact really intense since it’s about tragedy with many people. Several latest nightmares I had were mainly about relationships which also ended up as bad ending or weird tragedy, but nothing were as intense as this latest one. In fact, usually I didn’t really concerned with the previous dreams, and fell asleep immediately after I woken up, but this one is kinda different since it’s about disaster with many “people” within it. Sigh… I hope one day I will be able to induce lucid dreams instead of this weird dreams. I feel my energy drained because of this nightmare, hopefully I can still do my work properly this day.

Regarding the number on the title, perhaps I will write more about the nightmares (as long as I remember them), just to ensure the pattern, so I can manage it. Ugh, self management, especially for something ridiculous like this is burdening >_< Will be glad if this could end up, or at least doesn’t happen regularly like lately.

Good Luck?

Ketika seseorang mau melakukan sesuatu yang cukup besar, berisiko atau menantang, misalnya wawancara kerja, ujian, atau mengejar jodoh, kadang kala kita mendengar orang lain mengucapkan “Good Luck”, atau kalau dibahasakan ke Bahasa Indonesia menjadi “semoga beruntung”. Yup, semoga beruntung, alias hoki, atau kalau mau menggunakan kebalikannya, maka “semoga tidak sial”. Sejujurnya dulu saya sendiri sudah menyadari maknanya tersebut, tapi ah, biarlah, toh memang kadang saya perlu keberuntungan atas apa yang saya lakukan.

Beberapa bulan belakangan, saya menghadapi cukup banyak masalah yang bisa dibilang tidak mudah saya hadapi, khususnya masalah sosial. Bila Anda sekalian membaca post-post saya sebelumnya, tentunya yang ada dalam Bahasa Inggris, maka Anda akan mengerti bahwa masalah saya berhubungan dengan perasaan. Tapi jangan salah, masalah yang saya maksudkan di sini lebih ke masalah pekerjaan, yang membutuhkan rasionalitas dibanding hanya menerka-nerka atau mencoba-coba seperti masalah jodoh.

Ketika saya dihadapi oleh kesulitan, seringkali saya mendengar teman-teman saya mengatakan “GL alias Good Luck” tersebut, tapi entah kenapa saya merasa ga nyaman dengan sebutan tersebut. Seperti yang saya tuliskan di atas, kecenderungan kata tersebut seperti menganggap bahwa saya hanya akan berhasil bila saya memiliki keberuntungan yang besar. Padahal bila saya cek diri saya, keburuntungan saya hampir ga ada sama sekali. Saya belum pernah menang judi, belum pernah mendapatkan hadiah undian, belum pernah mendapatkan tiba-tiba uang saya di bank bertambah sendiri; bagaimana bisa mereka meminta saya untuk mengandalkan keberuntungan? Tapi tetap, walau demikian, saya mengapresiasi kata-kata teman saya tersebut, yang sebagian besar mungkin tidak tahu mengenai makna di baliknya, dan juga tidak mengetahui bahwa saya tidak terlalu suka mendengar kata tersebut.

Lalu apa yang bisa dikatakan oleh rekan-rekan saya tersebut? Sebenarnya banyak alternatif ucapan lainnya yang tidak terlalu mengandalkan “kekuatan alam dan ilahi” tersebut, misalnya saja, “selamat berjuang” atau “semoga sukses”. Dalam Bahasa Inggris juga bisa disebutkan “do well” (lakukan yang terbaik), “all the best” (sama, lakukan yang terbaik), atau “finger crossed” (silangkan jari). Saya mendapatkan frase tersebut dengan mudah dari pencarian Google dengan menggunakan kata kunci “good luck alternatives”.

Saat pencarian tersebut (sebenarnya sudah cukup lama saya mencari alternatifnya), saya menemukan ternyata tidak sedikit orang yang menghindari menggunakan kata-kata yang bermuatan mistis tersebut, alias keberuntungan. Mungkin karena sudah lekat di telinga orang Indonesia, banyak dari kita yang lebih mengandalkan kata “good luck”, dibanding alternatif-alternatif tersebut, dan akhirnya menjadi terbiasa dengan kata tersebut, baik sebagai pendengar maupun sebagai pengucap. Tidak ada masalah dengan kata tersebut, hanya memang sebagian kecil orang seperti saya sedikit sensitif atas penggunaan kata-kata yang kurang tepat dalam keseharian. Pada akhirnya hal itu kembali kepada masing-masing orang sebagai preferensi :)

Oh iya, bagi saya tentu saja “good luck” bukan sesuatu yang dapat dengan mudah dihilangkan. Kata ini bisa digunakan sebagai sarkasme terhadap orang yang tidak kita suka. Misalnya saja:

A: Hei, saya bisa mengerjakan semua pekerjaan yang harusnya diselesaikan dalam 14 hari dalam semalam saja. Jadi biarin lah saya main sebentar, oke?

B: Oh, gitu ya? Kalau gitu good luck yah!

A: Sip.

Dalam kasus di atas, keberuntungan memang sangat diperlukan, apalagi Anda tahu bahwa si A bukan orang yang mampu mengerjakan dalam 1 hari dan hanya keberuntungan yang bisa menyalamatkan dia. Yah, terkadang saya menggunakan kata tersebut untuk diri saya sendiri yang dalam beberapa kejadian lebih memilih untuk menunda pekerjaan sampai akhirnya harus berjuang keras di hari terakhir. Hhhhh… Kebiasaan yang memang tidak boleh terus menerus dilanjutkan, dan tentu saja hanya memerlukan niat untuk menghilangkannya.

Lalu bagaimana bila Anda tidak suka dengan frase tersebut diucapkan oleh orang lain? Bagaimana caranya mengatakannya kepada teman kita tersebut? Masa kita bilang frontal, “maaf, saya ga perlu keberuntungan karena saya punya skill dan kemampuan untuk menghadapi masalah tersebut”? Kalimat tersebut seolah-olah membuat kita terlihat sombong karena, yup, kadang bagi mereka menggunakan kemampuan sendiri adalah sombong, apalagi di negara agama seperti Indonesia di mana kuasa ilahi masih merupakan sebuah kewajiban yang disertakan dalam setiap kegiatan yang kita lakukan. Tapi memang kadang kita perlu seperti itu bila memang mau dilihat sebagai orang yang rasional.

Cara lainnya yang bisa kita lakukan adalah menghindari kata tersebut dari diri kita sendiri. Bila kita terbiasa menggunakan kalimat lain, beberapa orang yang cukup sensitif akan dapat menangkap maksud dari kita bahwa kita memang menghindari kata tersebut. Tentu saja ini hanya untuk orang-orang yang cukup sensitif untuk dapat mencerna maksud Anda tersebut. Bila bertemu orang yang kurang sensitif, katakan saja dengan sedikit bercanda, “jangan good luck lah, kalau ga hoki gimana coba, ‘sukses selalu’ aja mendingan”, atau kalau perlu dengan kalimat pertama yang saya katakan tadi. Toh bila orangnya kurang sensitif, dia juga bukan tipe orang yang mudah tersinggung atau berpikiran macam-macam kepada Anda.

Jadi secara tak langsung, mari kita budayakan saja menghindari ucapan “good luck” tersebut, dan ganti menjadi “semoga sukses” atau “all the best” bila Anda ingin sedikit terlihat keren karena Bahasa Inggris. :)

Entry ini ditulis oleh seseorang yang cukup sensitif terhadap kata-kata yang diucapkan orang. Bersikaplah lebih sensitif (empati) kepada orang sensitif, karena sewaktu-waktu Anda akan mendapatkan balasan yang setimpal atas empati Anda tersebut.

PS: Sekali-kali pakai Bahasa Indonesia aja untuk posting blog ini, berhubung sebentar lagi 17 Agustus, jadi harus lebih nasionalis dengan penggunaan Bahasa Indonesia yang baik dan benar, dan sedikit gaul. Hehehe… Ga juga, ke depannya akan ada beberapa post yang menggunakan bahasa ibu pertiwi koq. Kadang penggunaan bahasa menjadi dilema bagi saya mengingat saya ingin terus meningkatkan kemampuan Bahasa Inggris tertulis, tapi di sisi lain tetap ingin dapat menulis dengan cepat. Yup, menulis menggunakan Bahasa Inggris memerlukan waktu yang lebih lama daripada menggunakan Bahasa Indonesia seperti ini, apalagi kadang saya masih harus menambah perbendaharaan bahasa saya serta berkali-kali mengecek (proofread) tulisan saya supaya memiliki grammar dan structure yang benar.

What is Love

Well, I don’t really like to write about my love and relationship on my blog as if I don’t know that I already old enough for this kind of crap, but still my mind keeps tell me to write what I think before I fall into deeper depression. I’m not the kind of man that is easily depressed because of love… Well, perhaps I am. It’s simply because I can’t easily leave my past after it happened. So if you think this entry is immature or inappropriate since it is my personal thought, or doesn’t meet your personal expectation because you need more information about me since this is my personal website, I kindly ask you to stop reading now and find another interesting article in the web instead, or read another post in another category that’s available In this blog.

“Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me no more.” perhaps is the best answer for the title question.

On the previous post, I wrote about a girl, the third girl I met, which gave enough impact to me lately. Actually, the impact is far too strong and affected me until now. I still keep thinking about her, and even I always keep trying to get noticed by her.

I keep thinking about her but don’t have enough courage to make any contact to her. I just afraid I will end up disappointed with her replies, make her upset to me because I keep bothering her. I think it’s my selfishness so that I end up always want to bother her, despite of the fact that I almost never have chats lately. In the end I bothered more people in a chat group where she is one of the members, just because I want her attention. Sigh… I should just thinking more about other people before did that.

Some people will say, “grow your balls and text her!”, but it’s not as easy as they think. I had issues with her in the past which developed into a big barrier for my relation with her. Then why don’t you solve the issues and patch up your relationship with her? I’ve tried but I kept creating new other issues after that. It keeps repeating and perhaps annoyed her so much that she might think it’s better not to have any relation with me, or even worsen her thought about males in general. I can’t really guest what’s on her mind now, probably she doesn’t even really care about those issues since I’m not “somebody” for her. Who knows.

Sometimes I wish I can be more like other males who can easily moves on and search for other females. Instead I just want to prove to her that I can be the one for her, but still I’m stuck because I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I will cause her depressed about her future. I’m afraid that I will hurt her. I’m afraid that I will affect her in wrong way. I’m afraid that I cannot protect her and support her when she needs me. I’m afraid that some hurtful words will be spoken from her mouth just because she feels despair in me. I’m afraid the relationship will be ended up as what has happened in the past with my previous relationship.

The more I think about this, the more I realize that I have done something wrong. If I really love someone, I should simply let her happy. If they are happy but I don’t feel that happiness, it’s perhaps just lust or temporary love. Even if she dates another guy, I should be happy, at least I know that her mind has been changed and she can trust other males, though I know I will feel sad in reality. I just wonder that her smile will brighten everyone’s day, that’s the power of happiness.

Somehow, as a single guy, I wonder that it will be better if I don’t meet any single girls. It just hurt me more and make me feel responsible on what has happened around them. However, it’s part of experience that I will get, so it should not really matter if I think it thoroughly. Sadness, happiness, hope, despair, acceptance, rejection, for something called love is always worthy for your life lessons not matter how hard that lessons are. It teaches us how to behave to another person who is precious to you and you treasured her so much.

Perhaps I will not go to try to make any special relationship with another girl for some time since I feel betrayed and afraid for relationship lately. In fact, even since I have just get acquainted to a new girl, I just can’t keep my communication up with that girl lately, not because I’m lazy, but because I don’t have faith that the relationship will end up in the right direction, especially I get acquainted to her just because I have that relationship target to begin with. It just felt wrong.

Lastly, I will keep that good memory of her and hopefully my faith in girls in general can be restored, as with her faith to guys in general can also be restored. In the end, from what has happened in the past, for every girl that I have feeling towards who I wrote in this blog or other media, it will not ended up in “happy ending”, so I will just accept that fate as long as she is happy with her life. :D

PS: Oh, before I forgot, I’ve been said by some people that posts like this are immature, and if you think the same, I would like to thank you. Just let me decide what’s mature or immature for myself because the value of maturity is different between each people. You can say someone who are kept hurt by other people who can keep calm and don’t do any retaliation is mature, but for me it’s just as plain stupid as being raped but simply accepted it when it’s happen. I would rather write what I need to write and spill out what are on my mind rather than keep it and let it rotten, which may cause me to being depressed. Yeah, I know it’s not a fairy tale, which when she knows I wrote about my feeling and somehow –with miracle– she read this post and ended up fall in love in me. That’s why I wrote that this will not ended up as happy ending, at least for me.

Why Women Lies

The title is a question for me and perhaps for many men in this world. I don’t know if many women will ask similar questions about men, but I believe men are more easily to be understood and perhaps vulgarly honest in some condition (well, unless it’s unpleasant to be honest like… cheating?).

Let me tell a short story about a man and his relationship, and you will understand what I’m going to talk about, but perhaps going to be confused more with women :D

There was a boy, who has just broken the relationship with his girlfriend. This man never have confidence to make his girlfriend feels happy, but the girl always encourages him that she was happy with this boy. One day, a problem happened and quarrel was inevitable, and with just one sentence: “I wonder if I will always suffered when I live with you”, the boy lost his thought and always thinking that sentence again and again. Although he tried to forget about that sentence, but he couldn’t. Until one day he decided to end the relation with this girl.

After several months of being single, he met a girl who was in the same workplace with him. They communicated casually as friends and work partner, and for this boy, she looked nice and pretty. Interest was grown in the heart of this boy, but the girl never spoken the fact that she had a boyfriend. It was when the boy knew about that, he stopped his attempts to know more and had interest on her, and finally he could accepted her as a friend instead.

Later, this boy met another girl who was the friend of the first girl. Actually, she was also went to the same workplace as him. Initially, the boy doesn’t have any interest with her, simply because of the gossip that she had a boyfriend. However after several communication and messaging with her, she revealed that she had just broken up with his boyfriend because her boyfriend cheated on her. With this experience of broken heart, she began to ask the boy many questions about men, and many were answered as he could.

The communication continued and everything went nice, at least from the boy’s perspective. Two months later, the boy revealed that he might be interested in her despite he didn’t sure she might be good enough for him to continue to the next level of relationship, but she answered that she didn’t have any interest in him. Although he disappointed with the answer, he accepted that fate and tried to fix the awkwardness he might cause that day. The feeling was not something that can be easily removed, and after several months, he still had that feeling to her.

The most annoying part of the friendship with this girl was that she always told that she doesn’t want to have boyfriend or any relationship, perhaps for the entire of her life, because men and boys are jerks. One time even a simple conversation ended up because she happen to tell him that she suddenly hate boys that time. Simply because she could not accept her fate in the past that she was cheated by an asshole, so that she decided to label every men as assholes. The boy had many arguments with her about relationship, and one time he even said something mean to her that she was a liar, just because he saw her many times went with other boys and happy with them. Perhaps it was driven by jealousy. Still, it was something that should not be said by a man who doesn’t have any special relation with the woman.

In the end, he realized that everything the girl told was her own responsibility, not other’s. If it was her who lied to other people, why should he care? She is the one who will shoulder the lies she told for all of her entire life. It would be easy if he can just move on and pretend don’t care, but he can’t.

Actually, the boy just want to show his care to her, but everything he done was wrong, and sometimes even malicious to her. He couldn’t control the emotion, and couldn’t control what to tell and what not to tell to her. Everything he writes since that day is just seems wrong. Regretful feeling is not something that can fix anything that happened in the past. He can only hope if there is second chance to fix what he done in the past.

End of story.

 

It was a short story about me that happened several months ago. I’m not sure if I have done something terrible and repent for what I’ve done. Perhaps I’m just overthinking about what women / girls done to me, and also what I’ve done to them. In the end, for every experience I had with those women, I got to learn something about them and women in general. The third experience might be the most important one.

On the first experience, I free myself of being tortured with her sentence and perhaps her lies of being happy with me, and she was freed from me who may cause her to suffer in the future. The memory of being together often popped up in a random occasion which always cause me to get “feeling attack”. After all, 5 years in relationship was not a short period.

On the second experience, I still don’t understand why she didn’t told me that she already had a boyfriend and happy with him. Why wouldn’t she just be honest about his condition. Is it because she is clueless about what I have done to her? The worst of all is that I don’t understand when she said that she would marry with another rich man instead. Not sure if it was just a joke or a serious statement. Still, the relationship for me isn’t something that could be easily used as a joke. It will simply determine your future. One wrong sentence may ruins your entire relationship like the first experience I have, but it depends on the people of course. It can be easily ruined if the man is kind of sensitive like me, but will be all right when he is an easy-going person. For such a young woman like her, perhaps relationship still just a joke, so let’s move on to the next.

On the third experience, I don’t understand why woman should state that she would be rather be — I apologize with this phrase in advance — an old lonely virgin woman, instead of try to accept her past and move on with the future. I will understand if she had ambition on being successful woman in career, but still that statement (want to be lonely without spouse or relationship for an entire life) may hurts herself. Couldn’t she just behave like a normal person when I try to communicate with her? Well, this is the first time I’m being harsh with a girl, perhaps it affects her decision to ignore me and stay away from me.

The third experience also open my eyes that you should never tell that you’re interested in a girl until you really want her to be your girlfriend, unless you’re a very handsome, rich or popular man. Also, although she doesn’t give me a pleasant experience, at least I got to know about myself more than the previous 5 years relationship I have. She might be lied about one thing, but I’m glad to know her since she is honest about her feeling towards me, and also she told me my flaws that I think I need to improve: too emotional, too pushy, too clingy when it’s about woman and relationship, too sensitive, and too noisy. Really grateful to know her, despite all the happiness from the past will not be able to repeated again.

Finally, I don’t intend to insult any women out there with this post. I believe many women out there have different attitude. And all women who I wrote here also have many good qualities that I known and also unknown to me. In the end, some girls will be incompatible with me from the beginning to the end, some will be perfect match initially and incompatible in the end, and some might be sucks initially but in the end everything will be better. I will not giving up my hope to have a nice and healthy relationship. I’m sure that in the right time and right place, I will find a good and nice woman that can be honest to me and accept me for the flaws I have, and I will also try to accept her honesty although sometimes honesty can be painful. Not to said that I may not just let her to simply accept me, with true love I believe I can also change myself to be a better person, man (not a boy anymore) and in the end, husband. Oh, and I think I don’t have any deadline when it’s all about marriage, I’m a free person in this matter. ^_^

PS: Oh, also I feel pity to people who said, “hey, remember your age” or something like, “you’re not a kid who should write about love anymore”, just because I write about relationship and love, please just ignore me because since now I will ignore your message. I am living the colorful life, with sorrow and happiness, and I’m not going to let myself down because of several people who judge me only by what they see for the first or second time without going deeper with me. :)

Oh, I just remember a phrase that I got from the third girl: “Woman may forgive, but never forget”. Same here, really, my memory is quite perfect for this kind of event and sometimes even haunted me if I made something regretful. However I’m curious about the second girl who easily forget something that I’ve said just several days ago. LOL. Doesn’t matter though, she might’ve been blessed with easily manipulated mind perhaps.

This entry was last modified on: August 11th, 2014 at 10:13